Call the Discovery Channel, Y'all!

July 22, 2015

Today, I lost the phone I was holding. I had it tucked between my upper arm and chest and was looking for it, but I was carrying it. It’s a fast-paced world we are living in, and I am certain I am not the only person around who is spinning in a vortex of lose it/find it each day. In fact, some of us may be working within a Tilt-A-Whirl kind of spin wherein we are looking for things that we didn’t lose but have been lost by others. It’s awfully similar to being seated in a spinning vehicle on a platform that is itself also spinning. We are getting nowhere and getting there quickly and with a lot of dizziness and, maybe, a little anger. How is it that we lose the things we do? Seriously, we lose some crazy things.


Someone should pitch a show to the Discovery Channel. If they can show us how things are made, they can surely help figure out how we lose the crap we do. My kids were on a kick a few months ago where they wanted to watch nothing but “How It’s Made.” I found myself listening to the intro of each episode just to hear the seriousness of the announcer as the featured items were listed one by one. They are always completely random to the point of hilarity. The lists always sound something like this in my head--Toothbrushes, Woodchippers, Fan Blades, and Pooper Scoopers. I may be one of only two or three people, tops, who find these lists laugh-till-you-snort funny, but when I hear that movie-theater-smooth voice saying, “On this episode of ‘How It’s Made,’...Fur Coats, Hearses, Outdoor Lighting Fixtures, and Golf Tees, I snort. A lot. And sometimes I cry a little.


“How It’s Lost” could feature all the mislaid things that eat up our days. A great place to start would be with all of the items we lose in our own stinkin’ hands--cell phones, car keys, the quarter for the Aldi cart, or the sunglasses you are screaming at your daughter to find because you just know she was the last one to have them. I, for one, would watch just to find out how it is that holding what we are looking for isn’t enough to find it. Maybe it’s less a case for the Discovery folks and more a reason to bring back Unsolved Mysteries.


As a teacher, a little mystery I would like an answer to is the ever-popular, “Where Is My Black Pen Because That Is The Only Color Pen I Am Allowed To Sign This Form With” mystery. It really doesn’t matter too much which color you need, that’s the one you won’t find. Every single time and always in a meeting. “How It’s Lost” could run a special school feature, because children will tell you the same thing about crayons or markers. I’ve witnessed it, and it can be sad. Not as sad as the Aldi quarter for some, I am sure. Still, it's sad.


Making its way to the top of the list of things in need of explaining is the loss of one item from a pair. You likely know what I'm building up to, but I'll give a few other examples first. Latex gloves. I found one in my Taco Bell bag once. Yes. Socks. Nine out of ten moms agree that matching sock pairs returning from both washer and dryer are as rare as the teenager who turns down a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a 2-liter of Coke. The paradox continues with flip-flops, mittens and gloves, and earrings.


The creme de la creme of lost items, though, that Discovery needs to start explaining has to be the shoe on the side of the highway. Who hasn't seen that lone sneaker and thought, "Who is walking around with one bare foot?" or "Who threw that shoe out the window?" or "What is out here that I may need to throw MY shoe at?" I need to know the facts. This one is an age-old question.


Discovery would do well to pick this little gem up in their next season lineup. There's an endless supply of material. For every one of us watching there are five of us stooped over looking for the remote control that's wedged in the sofa beside our own read ends. Ah! I can hear it now. "On tonight's episode of 'How It's Lost'--The Only Umbrella You Own, Your Child's Signed Papers, Your Temper, and... Punctuation Marks."


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